Monday, July 11, 2005

It's a strange thing to be a parent.

I know I'm a better parent than a lot of other people but it's not enough. I'm still a terrible, terrible mother. I'm failing in almost every department and yet I'm still better than a lot of the parents I see. Should I keep striving to be better or would it be kinder to my kids to let them go and give someone else the chance to do a better job?

My daughter is old enough to miss us. It would be a terrible thing to do to her in the short term but what about the long term? The longer I keep her the harder it will be for both of us if I do have to let her go. The longer I keep her the more damage I'll have done to her.

I don't mean physical damage. I don't beat my kids, but I do shout at them when I shouldn't. I don't give them a proper routine. I don't think I set consistant boundaries for them. I'm bad for them but things could be so much worse.

The thought of keeping them and the damage I could do to them makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of giving them up is even worse.

No comments: