How did I get here?

I have two minds. The one that I always had and the one that is a mother. The one that is a mother never stops being a mother even when I am asleep and no matter how hard I am concentrating on something else.

When my baby is asleep I could almost pretend that things were back the way they used to be but the moment there's a loud noise my mother brain switches itself back on. Even if she's asleep at home with her Grandparents baby-sitting and I'm in the pub. I can't switch off. I can't rest properly. I wonder how long this goes on?

But I still don't feel like a mother. I feel like I'm looking after her for someone else and sooner or later they're going to come and take her away. But I don't want to giver her back. Even though I'm confused and I don't know what to do and I don't even feel like she's mine I still can't bare the thought of being parted from her.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now. She's over 10 months old. She's been in the world longer than she was in me. I'm surrounded by evidence of her. I can't walk two feet without standing on, or tripping over, or walking into something of hers. The feeling of unreality just gets worse. Maybe it's because she's so good. I don't feel like I deserve her. If she was a squaling, screaming, shitting, destroying thing I'd have no doubt that she's real.