"Nobody likes me,
Everybody Hates me.
I think I'll go and eat worms."

I've been singing that little song for over 20 years now. I learned it in the Brownies (Junior Girl Scouts to you Americans). That's what it felt to be me when I was growing up. That's kind of my default state. It's what it feels like when I run out of the energy necessary to pretend that I'm not that person any more.

Right now I hate all of you. I hate you for your easy lifes and your simple choices. I hate you for ignoring me and if you're looking at me then I hate you for paying attention to me. Most of all I hate you because some of you are happy some of the time.

Right now my life is sliding out of control. It does this periodically. In fact my life has three phases.

1. Sliding out of control. (lasts up to 6 years at a time but usually only a couple of weeks)
2. Didging my fingernails in and holding on to stop the slide. (lasts up to 6 months but usually only a couple of weeks)
3. Running round like a mad thing trying to clear up the mess caused by phase 1. (lasts up to 3 months, usually at least a week, sometimes as little as half an hour)

I hate you all. You are all scum and you are making me sing that damn song again.

"Nobody likes me,
Everybody Hates me.
I think I'll go and eat worms."

Of course I've never actually eaten worms. Nobody ever tried to make me. Though I think they would have had a hard time.

It's not that I want to eat woms or that i have done it's that I feel, deep down inside, as if I deserve to.

It's pretty bad to feel like your only potential contribution to society would be as an organ donor. It's even worse when you have kids. Two beautiful, healthy wonderful kids. But most of the time I feel like the best I can do for them is get my organs harvested and pray they get adopted by someone nice.

I'm so glad no-one but me is reading this.